my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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