and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Randomize
