i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Randomize
