I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
