Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
