My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
