i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
