Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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