just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
