sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
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