So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
