so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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