3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
