So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
