I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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