My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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