Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
