I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
