I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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