So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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