this beer tastes like vomit already
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'm too high and old for this...
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Randomize
