I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
