I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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