She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Randomize
