I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
