she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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