Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
