I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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