dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
