trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
