I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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