Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Randomize
