I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
