I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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