i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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