State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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