at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
