Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Those nachos came to me in a dream
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
