sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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