with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
