I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
