I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
