Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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