I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
