Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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