Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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