when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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