9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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