I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
