He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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