I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Randomize
